Author Phil Williams looks out at crashing waves from the rocks at Playa Cocles, Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica

LISTEN…

I wanna tell you a story

A true story about
losing my daughter and what came after…

Before you see the title (‘cause trust me, it might be the most jolting title you’ve ever seen)

I want you first to know the heart of the story.

The day my daughter died, everything I had ever believed came into question.

Before that, I spent years chasing success and validation.

Then I became her father.

Losing her broke my world open.

I stayed alive one breath at a time.

Grief stripped life down to what was real.

Something quieter remained.

This is not a story about moving on.
It is a story about being changed.

Inspiration
Audiobook sample
Yellow sunflower from the cover of Phil Williams' memoir on losing a child
Yellow sunflower from the cover of Phil Williams' memoir on grief and healing
Themes You'll Discover as the Story Unfolds
Love Fear Loss Hope Friendship Ambition Fatherhood Pain Truth New found Peace Strength

About the Book

My daughter died. I…died that day, too. And everything I had ever believed came into question.

Out of that wreckage came this memoir: a father limping straight into the gut-wrenching realm of losing a child, where grief and spirituality collide until something gives. 

Join me as I weave heartwarming and intriguing stories from birth to fatherhood, often laced with wit and humor. Ever set a putt-putt course on fire as a kid? I did. How about hosting a keg party at your parents' house while they’re away (and my dad a local pastor, no less)? Yep, I did that, too. I later became maybe the smallest and slowest-starting wide receiver in major college football history, and then an NFL agent, all before meeting my future wife by yelling across a steamy asphalt parking lot, "Hey, what's your name?"

But ordinary life ended years later when I learned that my beloved firstborn, Hannah, 26, was dying. 

One hundred days of agony. A season. Long enough to hope. Then she was gone.
How could I possibly navigate the rest of my life? I had no idea, but I had to try.

Be prepared to smile and laugh and cry as you journey with me. But be forewarned: nothing will prepare you for the climax of this deeply emotional story of a father and his daughter and the deeper search for meaning and truth.

have a look inside

  • “The best book I have ever read on the process of grief. It is a story of life, death, healing, and the search for truth.”

    – Lisa Natoli, SPIRITUAL TEACHER OF THE HEALING CURE

  • "Thank you Phil Williams for sharing your story so openly and honestly. Written beautifully! It brought me to tears a few times. Anyone wherever they are on the ladder can benefit by reading this wonderful work."

    – Robert A. Schulte, AMAZON REVIEW

  • “Don't let the title deter you. Phil’s book is a gripping read that draws you in from the start, making it nearly impossible to put down."

    – Beatrice Sanders, AMAZON REVIEW

  • “I found myself listening to this book in my car, in my driveway, half an hour after getting home. I couldn’t leave it. Phil’s voice, reading his words, reliving his pain and desperate search for reason … the emotion is visual and contagious.”

    – McShan Walker, ENTREPRENEUR AND FORMER COLLEGIATE BASEBALL PLAYER

  • "This book is a refreshing reminder that suffering is not a punishment or rejection but is paradoxically a divine invitation to transformation & wholeness."

    – Gil Wesley, SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR AND FORMER PASTOR

  • Don't let the title scare you, you aren't going to hell if you read this book lol. If you have lost a loved one and are still grieving, this book is a must read. The author invites you into his personal space and shares how he discovered peace in the middle of extreme despair. This book is not only breathtaking, but will challenge your thoughts on life and death. I read the book while on a 5 day cruise, couldn't put it down."

    – F. Jones, AMAZON REVIEW

Today I begin. 

It is your birthday. 

You would have been thirty-three.

-Phil Williams

Phil Williams' memoir open to the Fatherhood chapter, resting on green grass
Phil Williams' footprints in wet sand as sea foam washes in at Playa Cocles, Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica

Hi, I’m Phil

A storyteller, merging the worlds of “normal” life, grief, spirituality, sports, and more—sometimes with a humorous touch and often with a knack for the whimsical. A former collegiate football star at Florida State University (two-time Academic All-American), I spent nearly three decades as an NFL agent before stumbling through the brutal aftermath of my daughter’s death in search of healing and truth, open to exploring modalities that would have previously been taboo. For the last decade or so, I have enjoyed traversing what he calls the “Robinson Crusoe beaches of the Caribbean” in Costa Rica.

Before you continue, I want to be clear.

This book has a provocative title.
I chose it to reflect exactly how I felt when my
daughter died, not for shock value, and not to offend.

You do not have to agree with it.
If you judge it, that’s okay; I get it - really.

REVEAL THE TITLE
Yellow sunflower from the cover of Phil Williams' memoir on losing a child and what came after
Yellow sunflower from the cover of Phil Williams' memoir on losing a child and what came after 
For Hannah — who never truly left.